Vee’s blog

I understand why people think this whole thing with Rob is happening too fast. I get it. I was married for a long ass time, not even officially divorced yet, and here I am falling in love with a younger guy. If this was happening to one of my friends I would smack them in the back of the head and figure the guy is just laying the pipe right and she'll come to her senses eventually, but it's not like that with us at all. I promise! Well, the pipe laying part is pretty accurate BUT there's more to it than that!

I think what a lot of people have to realize is you love who you love, at least I do. I can't make myself fall in love with someone just because they are perfect for me (and I can't make myself stay in love with someone either - believe me, I tried for many years). Rob may seem as close to perfect as I could've ever hoped for but that didn't mean I was going to fall in love with him. Case in point: I dated a guy last year that was damn near perfect as well. He was totally gorgeous, amazing blue eyes, very nice body (if you're in to that sort of thing), he worked out some so his arms were amazing and don't even get me started on his hands! He had a great job, wicked sense of humor, loved cars and choppers, was well read and didn't want kids of his own but was perfectly fine with Cody as he knew he was 12 and not a little baby. He had everything going for him. He really liked me, I mean a lot. He fell very hard, very fast, but I just didn't feel the same. I never even let him meet Cody even though he begged me to. I just knew it wasn't going to work.

I enjoyed his company. He was always good for a laugh and I really liked when he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me, but that was it. There was no chemisty on my part. He just didn't spark anything inside of me. There was one other guy that I really liked and the same thing happened with him. I had to let them both go and I was sick to my stomach about it and my friends and family thought I had lost my damn mind but I promised myself when I left Josh that I would NEVER settle again and I've kept that promise.

With Rob the chemistry started with the first kiss and hasn't diminished one bit, if anything, it's grown stronger. I can talk to him about anything. He makes me laugh, which goes a long way with me. No matter how bad of a day I had or how sad I'm feeling he always cheers me up. Hearing "Hey Beautiful" every time I answer the phone never fails to put a smile on my face. When he hugs me I get butterflies and when he kisses me? Let's just say I still feel that shit all the way down to my toes. I love him, point blank period. And he loves me. That's it, and that's enough for me.

He went back to work this morning. Telling him goodbye is only getting harder and harder. I teared up a little after kissing him goodbye last night (after I got home so he wouldn't see) which shocked the hell out of me. We had a great week though. We had a nice dinner for Mother's Day with Cody. We went to his family's house for a christening party so I finally got to meet everyone. We brought Cody to cruise night Sunday and I really enjoyed walking around and looking at cars with Cody. We had great conversations, plenty of laughs and amazing sex. We finally told each other "I love you". What more could you want?

I really love this guy. I am so surprised by the depths of my feelings at this point. When we're together, just the two of us, even if we are just sitting on his porch smoking, I feel like the rest of the world doesn't matter. I feel safe. Being with him feels so right, like something is telling me this is exactly where I'm meant to be right now. I've never fell this hard this fast. Never. It's scaring the ever loving shit out of me to be quite frank. I haven't put myself out there like this in a very, very long time (if ever). I really don't think Rob would ever hurt, mistreat, disrespect or cheat on me. I really don't, but I've learned that nothing is carved in stone, people can and do change and even the best situations end sometimes. I don't want to be hurt. It's so hard for me to let go and completely trust sometimes, especially when my heart is at stake. I wish I could just stop being scared and let go. I'm usually so passive and laid back about everything so my being neurotic about frickin' FALLING IN LOVE of all things trips me out. Be happy you dipshit! This doesn't happen very often in a lifetime! I need to chill out and enjoy this moment for all it's worth.

I think if it wasn't for the age thing and the baby thing I would've completely let go of all my fears and doubts by now. I don't have a problem with them anymore per se, but I'm afraid Rob doesn't understand the complications those two things can cause. The age thing not so much, but the baby thing could be a major disappointment for us and I don't think he realizes that. I really want the best for Rob. I'm talking white picket fence, perfect wife, perfect kid, the American Dream. He deserves that. I know I could treat him with all the love and respect in the world but the fact that I can't carry a baby for him KILLS ME. I know it may not even come to that, we could break up next month so what's the use of worrying? My thinking is what if we don't break up? What if we stay together and look at getting married one day? This will come up and I'll be in so deep by that point I'd die if our relationship ends over something I had no control over. I'm just not prepared to process all this right now and I need to stop worrying but I love him like crazy and I want things to work out for us and not worrying is easier said than done sometimes. All I know is telling him goodbye last night hurt.   

It happened. He told me he loves me. I was so flabbergasted I couldn't say anything for a second. This is how it all went down. Rob told me last week that we would celebrate Mother's Day when he got home Tuesday. He didn't disappoint. Tuesday night was the most amazing night. He bought me the pair of pink chucks I've been wanting for a while (from Cody of course) and took us to a nice restaurant.

He picked Cody up from school and brought him to the mall to buy him an outfit for dinner. The boys got ready at Rob's house and I got ready at my house. I love living right across the street from him! Rob borrowed a Cadillac from a guy in his car club for the night and I thought Cody was going to die of happiness. This Cadillac isn't any old Cadillac , it has air bags, a gorgeous paint job, and airbrushed evil clowns on the trunk (with a hot chick between them). The car is beautiful. Cody was a little disappointed that Rob didn't pick him up from school in the caddy, but Rob explained that the more he drove the car the greater the chance of something going wrong and he didn't want to park the car at the mall while they went shopping anyway. Cody, that is called RESPONSIBILITY and respect for other people's shit. Two things his daddy never had.

Anyway, we went to a very nice restaurant and Cody looked great and behaved beautifully and Rob looked gorgeous as hell and we had a great night and I wanted to die of happiness. The end. At one point, on the way to the restaurant, Cody said " I'm in a pimp ( I hate that word!) outfit, riding in a pimp car, going to a nice restaurant. This is great. The kids at school are going to be so jealous." and I wanted to tell him THIS IS HOW LIFE WITH ROB WOULD BE. We got back from dinner and Cody said he was tired and was ready for bed so he went home while I stayed at Rob's. Rob and I "hung out" for a while and we were laying there talking about anything and everything when he said "Veronica" and I said "what" and he said "I love you" and my heart exploded into a million pieces and I died of happiness. It took me a second to realize that he just said he loved me and, in that pause, he must've thought I didn't feel the same way because he said "you don't have to say anything, I've been wanting to tell you. I just want you to know". Of course I told him I love him too, because I do. I adore, appreciate, respect, cherish and, most of all, love him. Life is good my friends.

-I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)-

Cody asked Rob to pick him up from school this past Monday which he so kindly did. Cody has been wanting Rob to pick him up from school for some time but I would never let him ask. After Rob picked him up he brought Cody to my work to visit.

I've never told Rob I love him and he's never told me. He probably doesn't, but there is little doubt it's heading in that direction. At one point during their visit I looked over and Rob and Cody were standing next to each other, laughing and talking and it hit me so freakin' hard. My heart felt like it was going to stop. I can honestly say that was the first time I truly realized that I'm falling in love with him (if not already in love with him).

I can't even begin to tell you how amazing he is about Cody. He's charmed Cody as much as he's charmed me. He'd never know the effect he has had on Cody because Cody always tries to act "cool" around Rob but Cody really likes having Rob in his life. Who wouldn't?

- Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?-

I just realized you have to have a vox account to be able to leave comments. I am such a moron sometimes!

This place is only temporary. I'll start working on my new blog this weekend. Scout's honor.

In the mean time, email any comments you have to emailvee@gmail.com and I'll post them here. I'm open to questions at the moment, so take advantage and ask away. I promise I'll answer.

I just looked at my cell phone bill for last month. Rob and I talked for 2900 minutes. You learn alot about a person when you talk that much. The funny thing is that I'm not a phone person at all. I hate talking on the phone.....except to him. I actually hate getting off the phone when we talk now, if the truth be told.

I was just thinking about the pros and cons of living across the street from your man.

Pros:

Had a little too much to drink? Just cross the street.

Late night booty call? Just cross the street.

Anytime you want to see your man? Just cross the street.

Anytime you want to go home? Just cross the street.

Cons:

Having to look at his empty house when he is on the boat and think about all the fun things you could be doing in there if he were only home.

What if we break up and I have to see a parade of skanks going in and out? Oh, hell no! I'd have to move.

Mostly it's just having to see his house and knowing he's not there. It keeps him on my mind and makes me miss him that much more.

-Death is one moment and life is so many of them-

Isn't it interesting how hard we can be on ourselves? I don't know if it is a woman specific thing or a personality specific occurence, but it sucks none the less. I know I am not God's gift, but I do know that I have plenty to offer somebody, so why all the doubts? Why all the insecurity? I am not an insecure person by nature so I'm seriously starting to piss myself off.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm one of those people who simply can't believe good things can happen to them. Could it be that going from such a horrible situation to such a wonderful situation has me shell shocked? I don't know. See people, this is the shit that goes through my mind at night. Friggin' aggravating.

Though I have to say I'm very proud of myself thus far. I've managed to avoid the 2 date cut off point that I imposed on almost every other guy. We've passed the 3 month mark which beats the longest relationship I've had since leaving Josh. I really think I may be able to actually do this. I might not screw this up! The thing that pleases me the most is that I've allowed myself to truly open my heart to Rob. I've confided in him more than anyone else and I trust him implicitly. If someone would've told me 6 months ago that I would feel this way about the guy living across the street I would've told them to put down the pipe and step away from the rock.

Isn't life full of wonderful surprises?

 -A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years-

Here we go. I decided to use this place for a while until I create something permanent. I couldn't believe how many emails I received asking for my new URL. I had no idea so many people were still reading this garbage. You all deserve a cold beer and a big kiss. I closed my old blog down because I'm about to serve Josh with papers and he knew all about Say Goodbye To Romance. I felt VERY restricted in what I could share there and what's the point of even having a blog if you can't share it all, right?

Some of you have been with me from the very beginning (I'm looking at you Tracy & Mary) but some of you are new and I wonder if I should take the time to recap. I'll give the quick rundown. I'm about to get a divorce after 12 years of marriage. My husband has a drug problem and I don't care to talk about him anymore. I left him over 2 years ago and dated around for a while. I started to wonder if I'd ever connect with somebody again and then the most amazing thing happened. I met Rob. He started off on my old blog as "Hot Neighbor" but now he is so much more. It kind of feels disrespectful that I even called him that for a while but you all know what was on my mind back then (wink wink). He's gorgeous, smart, kind, hardworking, fun, honest and a million other things that all equal perfection in my eyes. Our chemistry is unreal. Crazy chemistry people, you just couldn't imagine. He's everything I could hope for in a man and more. We're dating now and things are just getting better everyday.

He works on a tug and each week he is home we get closer physically. Each week he is on the boat we talk on the phone for hours and get closer mentally. Just when I think things couldn't get much better he goes and makes me fall just a little bit more. For those that know me, I am finally over the age difference! Thanks for all your advice (especially all the "What's the big deal" emails). He doesn't act 8 years younger than me and I don't think I look 8 years older than him. The bottom line is that I really like this guy and refuse to let a little thing like age get in the way. I sort of worked through the kid thing too. 

For those that don't know about the "kid thing", I had to have a hysterectomy last October (due to a huge ass fibroid and large masses of pre-cancerous cells). Rob wants kids. You do the math. Luckily I fought to keep my ovaries so all is not lost. Too soon to even be thinking about that? Rob and I have talked about everything. I wanted all my cards on the table. I wanted to make sure there were no surprises waiting for him later on. He's still around so he must either (a) really like me or (b) be whipped already (just joking ya'll - or am I?).   

 So here I am, Rob left this morning, and I think I already miss him. It's a strange and wonderous thing this feeling I feel.

-For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul-